Just This Once
by tattered remaints
Summary: A very shy straight boy falls in love with a lesbian...how can he cope with the knowledge that his soulmate can never love him back? Happy ending


**A/N: I originally published this story on fiction press, and I was reading it, and I realized it would make an awesome AGU/RR story so yea. Anyway its kind of weird. There is slight slash. Okay so the story is mainly slash, and its one shot.**

**Summary: A very shy straight boy falls in love with a lesbian...how can he cope with the knowledge that his soul mate can never love him back? Happy ending.**

**Just This Once**

**By XxSkittlesxX**

I would have liked to think that I was Angelica Pickle's biggest fan. I wasn't president of a fan club, or anything like that. I didn't have a collection of anything that was hers (other than tapes of her matches.) But what I was inside.

When I first saw her in college, I knew it. Love at first sight, if you believe in that. That's the real reason that I was her biggest fan. I wouldn't care if she lost every fight, I would still love her just as much.

Of course, being my usual self, I only had enough courage to talk to her a few times, never to ask her out. She was nice, too. Not the stereotypical image that comes to mind when you think about a female boxer. Sweet, not course.

When we graduated, I wished her luck on her career. I knew mine was doomed. I hated working, for one, and I had majored in chemistry because of my parents request. They said I had the brains and the blood for it, or at least they hoped so. My dad, and his dad, and his dad had all become chemists. But what could I really do? Lazy, not good at science…even if I didn't get fired, I doubted I would get any kind of recognition.

I'm sure if I had more friends, they would have told me to pick my own major, not just do what my parents said. But they few friends that I had knew my situation well enough. If I went against my parents, that meant paying for my own college education, and I didn't have a dime at that point.

The very first fight she had after I graduated, I knew I could never have her. It wasn't an important fight, but it had been a close match. Angelica barely pulled off a victory. I saw her talking to her parents after the fight.

"Angelica, dear, when are you going to stop this? You were hurt pretty badly up there, think of what could happen next time?" Her mom was only concerned, but from the expression on Angelica's face, it was not being taken that way.

"Mom, I told you. I will stop when I find a girl worth stopping for." At first, I was in denial. I must have heard it wrong. The crowd, too far away…she didn't mean that.

"Angelica, I wanted to talk to you about that, too. Don't you think you deserve to give boys another try? I know what happened with you and Chris really was terrible…" That time, I heard it loud and clear.

The first time I find a girl that I really love since I was little, and she turns out to be…I didn't want to admit it to myself. I wasn't prejudiced, but…I guess I should have known, I mean…a boxer. My parents would probably be laughing if I told them.

Homosexuality. If there is anything else which causes more hardship today…when I was a child, I called it the communism of the playground. Very few actually were, but almost everyone was accused. And while it should be accepted, it never was.

I had been accused very often, particularly for my less than tough appearance and attitude. Too skinny, too wussy…to submissive, I guess. My parents told me not to worry about it, because it's for everybody to decide for themselves.

If anything though, the teasing made me love girls all the more. They were almost always nicer to me, more accepting of me. When there was the traditional boys vs. girls "gangs" in grade school, I sided with the girls. Not because I wanted to be one, because that's where I was safe.

It was there when I got my first crush. Long, dark hair, sparkling blue eyes. I still remember her. At that time, fear was not a part of me. Nothing prevented me from telling my feeling for her to the whole school. Of course, she rejected me, but…I never gave up hope that I would find someone like her again. When I transferred schools a year later, I vowed that one day, I would find another "Lillian Deville."

And now, here she was. Granted, unlike my first crush, she was not the "ideal" girl by modern culture. But I never really bought into modern culture anyway. If I thought she was pretty, she was.

I didn't love her in spite of her imperfections, I loved all of her, including her "imperfections." They weren't imperfections to me.

That's the thing about society. It doesn't let you choose who or what you think is pretty. I guess being an outcast helps to be free, to form your own views on what you like.

I felt like I wanted to cry when I learned that I could not have her, but no tears came. I was sad beyond sad, pained beyond pain. I sat there, numb, frozen. What could I do now? Look for another girl, again? Would I ever be able to find another Angelica?

I knew that I couldn't. Everyone is unique. Angelica was the one and only. Even if I was kinder than other boys, more feminine that other boys, more submissive…how could it help? The girl that I loved, I could never have, and never find again.

But, all though that summer, I came to her games. Each time, I became more and more in love with her, her perfect imagine, peaceful and sweet even in violence. Eventually, I began to notice other fans.

One girl was coming every game, just like me. She had straight, dark hair, and pale skin. She was wearing "smiley face" contacts. I talked to her at the end of the game.

"Hello. I'm Chuckie Finster. You've come to every game of Angelica's matches. I thought I was her biggest fan." She extended her hand to me.

"I'm Lillian Deville." My jaw dropped. This could not…this could not be happening. Lillian? Here? What was she doing watching all of her matches? She looked different, too. Not as vibrant as I remembered her.

"Chuckie, are you okay?" She still had not recognized me. I quickly made up an excuse and asked her again why she came to all of the fights.

"Well…don't tell anyone, but I have the biggest crush on her." My jaw dropped a second time.

"I heard she was gay, so I was actually thinking about asking her out tonight. Wanna wish me luck?" I could not believe it. Was this my destiny, to fall for girls who were lesbians, over and over? I swallowed hard.

"Good luck, Lillian." She waved and shouted a quick "It was nice meeting you!" and walked up to her.

Angelica looked so beautiful, so perfect. Long, blonde hair, perfect face...before I knew what was happening, I saw them…hold hands.

My life was being torn apart. They can't hold hands! They can't!

Then, the left the arena together. I was doomed.

But of course, I wasn't doomed. They might break up…one day…until then I would have to wait.

When the summer ended and I got my job as an assistant researcher (a fancy title for the guy who collects inventory and orders chemicals), Angelica had shown Lil to her parents. They were thoroughly disgusted, and actually said "Leave my daughter alone." It was not a good meeting, but…it proved that they were close, closer than I thought.

By Halloween I got enough courage to risk Lil's recognizing me, and talk to Angelica again.

"Chuckie! I remember you!" She had won the match, her spirits high. She was happy to see me though. Happy to see me!

"Wow! Are you working in a lab now?" I nodded, and she smiled.

"That's so cool! This is my girlfriend Lil, by the way." Lil told Angelica that we had already met, and that I had even wished her good luck the night that she first talked to her. Angelica thought that was nice.

"If luck really did have something to do with it, maybe we should have you around if we ever try to invite my parents to a wedding!" I laughed, in panic. There was no humor here. Marriage? They had known each other less than 6 months! They were already thinking about it?

But, as luck would have it, one week later, they broke up. I actually through a party for it ( I told everyone it was a late Halloween party, but I knew what it was inside). It was wrong to celebrate her sadness, though. I realized that when I saw her crying after she lost the match the next night.

I had the courage to talk to her then. "Angelica, it's okay. I'm sure you will win the next one!" What an idiot I was. Even when I said it, I knew that was not what she was crying about.

"She said I'm too bossy, Chuckie. Too bossy. I'm not bossy." I, never having had a relationship before, could only offer her once piece of advice, which was always in my mind.

"Well, Angelica, they say it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." She shook her head through a sob.

"What do they know? They're wrong!" I wanted so badly to tell her that I had never loved, that they were right, so right. I had cried every night when I saw them together. I would probably still cry, just because I knew I couldn't have her.

I think the best thing that happened to me that month was getting fired. At the time, I did not know what a good situation it was. I found another job, but I wasn't enough to pay for my mortgage, so I had to find a new apartment.

And the first number for sharing an apartment, the first number I called, purely by chance, was Angelica's. I was moving in with the girl of my dreams. I wished it was under different circumstances, but…I was doing it.

But that's how life is. One day, I am living with Angelica, talking with her, laughing with her, feeling like I have known her forever. Then the next day, I come home to find Angelica making out with…some girl.

It would was almost strangely beautiful to me, to see them kissing. Not because the typical "lesbians are hot" thing, but Angelica was happy…But it was too painful to enjoy. I left the room quietly and lay on my bed, and cried.

When Christmas came around, they already looked more comfortable then she had looked with Lil. Little Susie Carmichael. Short, thin, super curly brown hair. But it didn't even matter what she looked like. She was in love with the girl that I loved.

It almost felt like a strange family, between us. Even though Angelica didn't like boys in general, she liked me. It almost felt like high school girlfriends (straight, of course) and Susie was Angelica's boyfriend, too. Except for the fact that I was a boy, and Angelica was more dominant than Susie in the relationship.

I remember praying in front of the Christmas tree. We were all holding hands. Susie's hand was small and freckled, buy Angelica's hand seemed delicate. And her skin was pale, even more than Lil's had been.

"Pray for what you want to happen to you, tomorrow on Christmas." I never knew what Angelica or Susie wished for, but I will always remember what I wished for.

"I want to hold the love of my life in my arms."

Christmas is supposed to be a time of happiness, a time of joy. But not this Christmas. Not for Angelica and Susie anyway. When the dawn broke and Christmas was born, I could just hear the sounds of yelling from Angelica and Susie's room.

"You promised no more!"

"Oh come on Angelica, it never hurt anyone!"

"That's not true and you know it!"

"Oh, like your stupid boxing is safe!"

"Stupid! Okay, right now, which is it Susie. Cocaine or me?" There was a long pause.

"If you are going to pull that on me, Angelica, than goodbye." She grabbed her stuff and left.

The second the door slammed, Angelica started to sob. I went her room, and asked if I could do anything.

"Yeah, Chuckie. You can wave a magic wand and make my life all better." I frowned.

"I'm sorry, Angelica. Today of all days…" I sat down on the bed next to her, and she leaned over and hugged me.

It was everything I had wished for, but even as she literally cried on my shoulder, I knew that she, deep down, only loved me as she might love a kind brother. Nothing more.

She was so beautiful, although, like I said, few could really say that and mean it but me. Her long hair was straight, without waves. Her sweet looking face had a slight double chin. Her arms and thighs were far from thin, and her tummy round and large. But for some reason, I loved these things.

When she finally stopped crying, I made breakfast, and we exchanged gifts. We didn't have enough to buy a lot, so we mainly bought gift certificates and the like. But, like anyone who really loves Christmas knows, it's not what you get, it's who you get it from. And although I know Angelica whished someone else was here instead of me, it was my best Christmas ever.

For the first time ever, we talked about her past. She told me about her childhood, which was pretty hard. Then she told me about her first boyfriend, Chris.

Chris and her went out for 2 years in high school, and after prom night, he asked for sex. When she said no, he decided to do it anyway. Angelica got pregnant and had an abortion 2 weeks later.

Since then, she said that she never trusted boys. But she also told me that girls are nicer, anyway. They always were. Prettier, nicer…she told me that she was amazed that she hadn't become a lesbian sooner, with her athletic interest and all.

"I feel the same way, Angelica. I think girls are much better than boys." She laughed.

"How come you never got anyone in college, Chuck?" I shook my head.

"I was just too shy, I guess." She didn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of shyness very well. She was always so…alive. Talkative, ready to do anything. She loved to talk to people, even to people she had never met before. Me, I loved to listen, it was much more fun to hear what other people had to say. I already knew about my own life, why not hear about someone else's?

"What's that like, being shy?" I tried to say something, but I could not think of anything.

"I don't know. It's just…shyness." She didn't look very happy she wasn't shy.

"A lot of good talking has done me. It's cost me 2 relationships." I didn't understand why she kept blaming herself for the relationships failures. They were not her fault. But, she did seem to blame herself for everything. I wondered if she blamed herself for being raped, blamed herself for not being good with boys…blamed herself for not getting a boy who treated her right? But I could not ask. That was too personal, and besides, it almost suggested that she had just been deluding herself with her lesbian ideals the whole time.

"Angelica, it's not your fault. Lil had her own problems, and Susie should have just quit drugs." She shook her head.

"I drove them away, Chuckie. If Lil had been happier she wouldn't have complained. If Susie had been happier, she wouldn't have needed the drugs." She started to cry again. She was always so strong, an emotional pillar of strength. It pained me to see her at the one point where she was weak, love.

Whenever something bad happened, something good happened, and vice versa. I never could seem to get my life in order. Just when things looked my way, the got worse, just when they hit rock bottom, they got better.

"You could never drive me away." Why did I say that? That was…very inappropriate.

"You are sweet, Chuckie. Really. Nobody could ask for a better friend." It pained me to hear the complement. A knife in my chest…I will always be alone.

But even as wallowed in despair, she looked at me. Those big blue eyes…I couldn't help it. I let loose the secret I had kept for so long.

"I love you." To my surprise, she didn't say anything. Eventually she opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

"Chuckie…I…I love…Chuckie I can't." She got up from the table, and I could tell from her face she was angrier at herself than me. I got up to say something, but she put her hand out.

"Chuckie, I am a lesbian, I always will be a lesbian…and if I go with you now, think about it. I just broke up with my girlfriend hours ago; on Christmas…I'd be desperate. And think about my parents. They will be right, that this was all a phase, all a big way to protect myself from being hurt. But it isn't! This is who I am, and I can't try to deviate from that." On any other day, shyness would have prevailed, but I had said too much, admitted too much, for anything to get between me and her now.

"Angelica, isn't part of being a lesbian loving people for who they are, and not letting gender get in the way?" I could tell, she wanted to say something, but she swallowed it down.

"I love…girls, Chuckie! I can't love you. No matter how good you are. You are a sweet friend, but…you can't be more, Chuckie. Not now, not ever. It would always be there between us. You can't love me anymore." I felt my courage falter, but I didn't sit back down.

"How could I not love you, Angelica? You're beautiful, kind, wonderful…my best friend. Aside from when your romance fails, you are always so happy, caring, kind, energetic, accepting, loving…" Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"It might have worked out if I was Susie or Lil, but I'm the 'tough' one in all my relationships. I need that Chuckie. Don't you understand? You would have the be the weak one, the submissive one. No boy could ever do that for me. Not even you."

"Angelica, I am weak and submissive. Not only would I do anything for you, in reality I wouldn't want it any other way. And I don't want you to give up being a lesbian. I just want you to make an exception."

"An exception?"

"Just this once…just for me."

"Well…" she started, "You are the nicest boy I have ever met…"

And she kissed me.

And that was the beginning of the rest of my life.


End file.
